“Love how you hate yourself sometimes because goddamn at least there is still something to hate.”- Neil Hilborn (also this poem is delightful)
I’m at a loss for positive or wanna-be insightful things to say this week. Quite frankly nearly all of my thinking this week has been about food. Carefully monitoring how many times I’ve eaten and if I think I need to eat again, staving off self-imposed hunger headaches because I haven’t felt hungry. My brain tells me that I’ve eaten more than enough, makes any food I do eat seem terrible and impossible to stomach. I’ve been through this before. I know it’s not true. I know I need to eat, but sometimes it’s an uphill battle to make myself. It’s not that I want to be thin, it’s never been that. It’s always that I don’t need to eat, maybe that I don’t think I deserve to eat. I write this not as a cry for help but an explanation. It’s not been a good week for loving myself. Or thinking about things that really matter. Because I’m busy calculating how much I ate the last time I ate and reasoning with myself to eat again. I’m working on keeping myself alive, as dramatic as that sounds. Hopefully this time next week will find my mind in a better space to process important stuff. Sorry if anyone is actively following this expecting any sort of wisdom.
This week’s five things I love about myself was pretty hard for me. I really didn’t love myself this week. But that means I need my own love the most right now.
- I love my sense of humor. It’s completely inappropriate and frequently cobbled together from references, but I’m pretty good at making people laugh. And that’s a great feeling.
- I love my ability to build things and work on computers, both skills that I practiced with my dad growing up. Given the most basic of instructions I can make or repair almost anything.
- I love my relationship with animals. It’s very rare that I meet a dog or cat that doesn’t like me.
- I love my concern about being quiet. All the years of chatting on a computer in the middle of the night and sharing space with someone have made me nearly incapable of listening to music without headphones or playing my tv loud.
- I actually love that I’m not great with kids. I can babysit for a few hours, but around hour 6-7, I’ve run out of energy/patience for little ones. I think it’s valuable that I know and accept this about myself.